Scott is a good cuddler. He always has been. Getting enough affection has never been my problem except for when he wants the end result to be sex and I want to sleep. I woke up realizing he was sleeping upstairs again. I guess I was hoping he would come back from the club missing me and climb in bed. Silly expectations get me every time. I don't blame him. There were two kids in bed with me when he got home.
Anyway, I woke up feeling sad. I'm sad because I miss him loving me, or at least I miss the illusion that he did. I could easily turn a hug into the illusion that he is still in love with me. Unfortunately, I am slowly losing the ability to do that. Looking at the list of complaints he has about me makes me realize it's really just about his loneliness. I'm the one that's there and he doesn't want to be lonely or go without sex. I suppose that could be enough to keep him from leaving, but he might just find a replacement one day. I'm sure he's panicking that he's almost 30 and could be easily sucked in by another girl's charm. It happened once and could happen again, especially since I'm much less than he desires.
What I've lost this time is the optimistic view I've had of our relationship. I have usually believed we were just in a rough spot and things will eventually be okay again. I'm not sure of that any more. I'm losing hope fast and I'm feeling so low inside. Yet, I am faking a positive attitude and going to the gym because it does actually make me feel better. What I can't control is what happens in my head when I'm asleep. I wake up and start crying.
I am kinda hoping for something magical to happen when we go to Retrouvaille on the weekend of the 20th. I know it's a Catholic thing, but it's supposedly about connecting with your partner. It's also designed to be a last hope for couples on the verge of separation. At the very least, it will be a weekend alone in a hotel without any kids or distractions.
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