Things are Better

Last night, I was upset Scott was going out. I was really wanting to spend some time with him, hoping to re-bond. After all, he did say he still loves me and wants to stay together. I made it pretty well known that I didn't want him to go, and if he did, it would be only more assurance that it's over. His excuse was we'll be together all weekend and he was only going out for a couple of hours. I went and got in bed and started crying. He asked me if I was okay and I started yelling at him that he continuously wants to go out and party instead of spending time with me.

He ended up calling Alex and saying that I was ready to divorce him over going out so he should probably stay in. I told him that's not what I said and it's his choice to go out or not. If he wound rather go out again than be with me, then go out. Then he told Alex that I was letting him go out and was going. Then he asked me, "so I can go?". I didn't respond. He tried putting me on the phone with Alex and I yelled at him that I don't want to fucking talk to Alex! After that, he told Alex that he really shouldn't go.

When he got off the phone, he got in bed with me and put his arms around me. Almost as soon as he did, Adi woke up screaming. That woke Jaden up. I started crying again and went upstairs to deal with them. I tried getting Adi to quiet down but she kept crying. I left her for a couple minutes to calm Jaden down and she started screaming louder. I had a total meltdown. I slammed both the doors to the kids' rooms, walked into the living room, and threw a chair across the living room. Scott heard the commotion and ran upstairs to see what happened. I was collapsed on the couch with my hands over my eyes. He told me he would take care of Adi. Apparently, she had to go potty and that's why she was screaming. I caught my breath, wiped away my tears, and picked up Jaden to take him to bed with me.

After Scott got Adi back to sleep, he got in bed with me and started kissing me. We ended up making love, and I mean with real emotion. I was so emotionally charged from this past week. I was thinking that this could be the last time, depending on how things go from here. We fell asleep naked, holding each other. I don't fully trust that things are going to improve, but I put my wedding ring back on in the middle of the night.

This morning, I told him I was so glad he chose to stay home with me last night. He said that he would have only been gone a couple hours and I would have been fine. I tried to explain that I was not fine, by any means. I was not in a mental state to be taking care of the kids while he went out. He asked if I would have hurt them. I don't think I'd ever hurt them, but I might have walked away and left them screaming for awhile. I don't really know what I would have done except what I had to. Still, I don't think his priority should be going out when I'm feeling that sad. I told him I want to be with someone who won't go out when I'm sad, sick, or just really needing him.