Defeated

I just don't know what to say anymore.  I can do nothing right in his eyes.  He says he still cares for me, but he's tired of fighting.  I don't have any fight left anyway.  I have given up and only feel sadness.  I started crying yesterday, and just can't stop.  All of the pain has overwhelmed me and I feel a deep sense of loss.All of the things he has said and not said have led me to this place.  Now he says he doesn't know what to say.  I don't think I want to hear what he has to say anymore because it only causes me more pain. 

Yesterday, I was crying hysterically on the floor, barely getting my breath.  I wanted to know why, why he doesn't show me he loves me any more.  I knew why though.  He's told me all the things he dislikes about me.  He had lunch with his dad yesterday and his dad confirmed that it's not right that I make decisions without his approval.  Of course he dad would say that.  I do try to get his approval, but he is mostly negative toward me.  Sometimes I do things without thinking, like signing Jolie up for soccer yesterday morning once I knew we had the money.  I wanted to get it done before I forgot about it and missed the deadline again.  He was angry I didn't talk to him about it first.  We aren't talking much these days and it always ends in a fight.  Honestly, I didn't even think of it.  Any explanation I give, to him, is only a "justification" or an excuse.  I remember having a boss like that once.  When you did something wrong, he considered any explanation of your actions as giving him an excuse and didn't want to hear it.  I hated that man with a passion.

Also, Scott brought up when I got pictures taken of me in bondage ropes.  He says I put myself at risk.  Maybe I did, but I don't think that's the real reason he has been so hard on me about it.  He latched onto it as an example that I cannot be trusted. 

He brought up the issue of being classy again.  Monday night, I went out to Jefferson Hall.  I got a little drunk.  At one point, I got up on the bar stools and danced.  I was just having fun.  I put my hand on the table to get down and the table tipped.  Drinks fell on the floor and some spilled on me.  I told him because I thought it would make him laugh.  Instead, he brought it up as an example of me not being classy.  He said no other 34 year old woman with 4 kids would act that way.  Wow.  That was a huge slap in the face.  Apparently, I should act like a grown up now and stop having fun.  I was already hysterical and that was one more insult.  That really hurt and the words keep replaying in my mind, bringing more tears to my eyes.

I am so incredibly hurt and angry.  I literally can do nothing right.  He cannot bring himself to any words of praise for me anymore.  He has only negatives to say.  He isn't happy being with me anymore and has given up trying.  He has become more and more self centered.  It's a struggle every day, all day.  I don't want to be bitchy, but he shuts me out until I have to bitch to get his attention.  I try to have conversations with him but he is usually staring at his phone or the computer.  If I ask him to do something, he will walk away from me and say nothing.  When I say it again with increased tone, he yells at me that he heard me the first time.

This weekend is the last attempt to make this work.  I am already thinking of where I want to live.  I have very little hope left, and I'm about out of tears.  I can't eat or function.  I've already lost almost 10 pounds from not eating the past few days.  I had to get out of bed last night and make myself eat because I think that's the reason I couldn't sleep.  That, and my damn brain.