This morning, I was falling apart. All I kept thinking was he doesn't love me anymore and it hurts so much. I ended up with spontaneous tears rolling down my cheeks. I went downstairs and laid in bed. I wanted to sleep, but tears kept coming.
Scott came downstairs and saw I was crying. He asked me to tell him what was going on. I told him why doesn't he just read my blog. If he really cares and he reads it, he'll know exactly what I want from him. He told me he has read it unless I posted something new today. So I wanted to know why didn't he say anything. Why didn't he tell me if I am wrong about him not loving me. I told him how much it hurt me that he didn't write me that letter on Christmas. I told him there are so many ways he can show me that he cares, but he doesn't.
Finally, he tried to give me an explanation. He says that for him it comes down to money. He started being unhappy in our relationship when he lost his job with Nuance. I have been unwilling to change my lifestyle in ways that he feels are too expensive. He thinks public schooling would be cheaper and the kids wouldn't be home distracting him from working. Yet, I refuse to give up homeschooling. For awhile, I wouldn't give up Leaves of Learning and even put it on a credit card the final year the kids were there. We still haven't paid that off. Also, I signed Karenna up for gymnastics team at the best gym in the city when we don't have enough money. I got child support now to pay for it, but we paid for it ourselves for four months. Things were very tense around here every time I had to give money to CGA until the child support started coming in.
Also, because he tried starting a few businesses and they didn't work out, he lost respect for himself. That's a very important reason why he latched on to Julie. She made him feel good about himself and gave him more confidence. I was losing confidence in him at the same time. To make matters worse, I had developed an intense crush on another guy shortly before he met Julie. He was also resentful that I wouldn't do what he wanted and cut back things like I mentioned above.
I have always been determined to still give my kids a good childhood at all costs. I was more angry at Scott for not working harder to make money. He spent a lot of time playing around, messing around with Julie, partying, or doing other unnecessary projects around the house. Part of his problem is lack of focus. He has ADD and is very easily distracted. He blames me for a lot of the distraction from making money. I get angry when he blames me for that and for spending all the money we do have. I feel I have been trying to prioritize my children and their passions, while he has been bitching at me and not focussing on the real issue: making money.
He did say he does love me and he does want to be with me. I told him I don't only want to stay together, I want to be happy and in love. I asked what I can do to help him feel like he's in love with me. He said I could kiss him, show him affection, and act excited to see him. I can definitely do those things, but only when he fixes the pain I feel first. I am more than willing to be affectionate and show him attention when I'm not feeling hurt, but he wants to skip the part where he makes me feel better after causing me tremendous hurt. He gets annoyed that I'm sad and wants me to simply get over it without any effort on his part. Hopefully, that will sink in.
One other issue is that he really feels like he should be "the man of the house." He said he thinks he should have the final word on decisions, simply because he is the man. He even said he thinks he should have more control over his wife. He pointed out that he put that ring on my finger and that's what it means. After a long debate about that, we finally came to the decision that we will make more of an effort to discuss things together and come up with a solution we both agree with.
One of the reasons we fought about me hanging out with Dusty is that I agreed that I would only be gone an hour and a half. I agreed just to get him off my back, but I shouldn't have done that. Today, we agreed that I can hang out with a male friend of my choice for at least two hours once every two months. He said he hates establishing rules because he wants to take everything situation by situation, but usually that means I have to fight him for what I want each and every time. I like having rules established so there's no disagreement.
The other thing we discussed is him saying I'm not classy enough. His mom didn't say it actually. His friend Ryan said it about his ex girlfriend and he adopted the phrase. What he means by that is that it's not classy when I put it in a guy's head that he can sleep with me. It especially bothers him when it's a friend of his because he wants his friends to think he has control over his wife (especially my genitals). I told him that I like it when guys desire me just like he likes when girls desire him. I like sexual attention just like he does. Still, I don't act on it when I don't have his permission. I talk openly about sex with his friends because I want them to realize they have an opportunity to have a threesome with us if they want. I don't do it around his friends I don't like or respect. He actually seemed to completely get this. He knows I like attention just like he does. I offered to tone down the sex talk around his friends. However, I already stopped around his friends he mostly hangs out with because I have no interest in them sexually and would not have a threesome with them even if they wanted to.
I feel like we actually got somewhere today. I feel much happier knowing that he does still care about me and he is willing to work on things with me. He is going to try harder to make an income instead of me getting a job. I told him that loving someone means supporting the things that are important to them. To me, homeschooling, my kids and their passions, and my friendships and commitments to the are all very important to me. I also need to do better at backing down when I can. It's just so hard because I'm such a passionate person.
No comments:
Post a Comment