I haven't had much to blog about because things were going so well. Today was our first post session. We have them for six Saturdays 12:30-4:30. It's a little annoying to be taking up so much of our Saturdays, but I know it's been helpful to continue to work on our marriage in this way. They are at St Rita's school for the deaf. Inside we noticed lots of T12s, so we are going to try to get them to let us give them an estimate.

It was a bit rough trying to stay alert since I went out last night with Scott and John. I drank way too much because John kept putting drinks in my hand. I ended up puking last night. I have been feeling pretty exhausted and run down today as a result.  Also, the first half was really slow and there was little interaction from us. Then we had a dialogue question, but it wasn't anything profound. We were anxious for lunch. Lunch was really good. There was soup, fruits and veggies, and deserts. The second half was much better. We learned about good listening.  A good listener identifies and acknowledges the other's feelings and indicates understanding.  Also, a good listener asks questions about the feelings, mirrors back empathy, communicates understanding, and looks for and tries to understand non-verbal cues.

Our dialogue question to do at home was: What can I do to improve my listening skills in our relationship? How do I feel about my answer?  I said that I could try to understand his feelings and acknowledge them.  Also, I could try harder to get his message in his body language and tone.  By keeping my focus on how he is feeling, it keeps me from thinking so much about what I want to say next.  Also, I could stop arguing when I'm getting upset and instead take time to focus on how I feel and write to him.  That will likely feel less confrontatiomal to him.  I felt inspired to give it a try.

When I got home, I was really exhausted.  Mason, Jolie's friend got dropped off to spend the night. I was feeling irritable from being tired and Mason is already a difficult kid to tolerate. She's loud, fights a lot with Karenna, and comes up with not so good ideas that Jolie goes right along with.  My irritable mood only got worse as a result.  However, when Scott got back from picking up the kids from his parents, he really wanted to have sex. This morning he wanted to, but I was still feeling nauseous.  The last thing I wanted was the motion of being banged into. He asked if he made me breakfast and coffee, would I consider it. I figured I'd feel better after that, so I said okay. He ended up making me breakfast and coffee, but took too long doing it and we didn't have time for sex before we left to go to the post session.  I told him I would since I kinda owed him, but we had to do our dialogue question first.  He agreed.

After the dialogue question, we went downstairs.  However, I was not looking forward to having sex at all. I was tired and not at all aroused. I told Scott, but he was lost in his own horniness.  I reluctantly took off my clothes and got in bed. I soon realized that I also felt sore because I'm thinking I might have a yeast infection going on. I let him finish even though it was uncomfortable. Afterwards, I told him about the additional issue. He didn't really acknowledge it, but I was too tired to care.

When he was done, I started getting some clothes on to sleep because I was cold.  He complained that he prefers when I cuddle with him naked after sex.  I know he likes that, but it just gets him all excited again.  When I'm sleeping, I don't want to be bothered.  I opted to just put on a shirt and got in bed.  We both fell asleep. 

I slept about an hour, but it wasn't a very deep sleep.  I woke up not feeling very rested and I was still irritable.  He woke up too and started grinding on me.  I was so annoyed that he hadn't acknowledged my feelings at all about what I said before.  I reitterated that I'm kinda sore down there right now.  Then he said, " Your problem is you just don't have a very high sex drive."  I felt criticized and started getting defensive.  I was thinking I already gave in once when I didn't want to and now he wants more.  Eventually, I jumped up out of bed and went upstairs.

After a few minutes, I went back downstairs and laid back in the bed to hang out with him.  I guess he was irritated I wouldn't have sex with him, so he started doing little things to annoy me.  He kept doing things to gross me out.  I told him if I'm not in the mood, he needs to take care of his own sexual needs. He then made a comment about taking care of his sexual needs by going out and finding another girl. I asked him if that was a threat? He said "no." It sounded like one to me and I didn't like that he said it. We came to the agreement after Retrouvaille that neither one of us will have sex with anyone else on our own, without the other.  I eventually got annoyed enough that I went back upstairs.  I was disappointed that after just doing a post workshop about active listening and acknowledging each other's feelings, he completely disregarded mine once again regarding sex.

This is a pattern in our relationship that really bothers me.  I don't feel like he has any consideration for my feelings regarding sex.  If he is horny, he thinks I should take care of his sexual needs.  It doesn't matter if I'm sick, tired, or anything else, he wants me to submit to him when he wants it.  If I don't, he will be as irritating as possible.  He will do anything to get on my nerves such as sticking his fingers in my armpit, attempt to put his hand in my shirt to play with my boob, or breathe right on me.  It usually happens at night when I'm really tired and just want to go to sleep.  I usually end up snapping at him, followed by him rolling over away from me and not touching me.  I want him to put his arm around me when I sleep, so he is punishing me. 

I think I am going to write him a letter about it.  Before I would have tried to talk to him about it, but it was probably perceived as an attack.