Emotional Intelligence

The definition of emotional intelligence on Wikipedia is the ability to identify, assess, and control the emotions of oneself, of others, and of groups.  I think the identify and assess part is good, but control has no place in a relationship.  However, partners can help each other to identify and assess their emotions.  In my relationship, I am helping Scott do this, but he easily gets very overwhelmed and exhausted when I start asking him too many questions.   I too quickly get distracted by other comments instead of staying on task.  Many times I end up getting angry and defending myself after he makes a comment like, "I just wish you had more class."  Instead, I need to stay focused on helping him figure out what it is he really needs.

Our discussion went in a more positive direction yesterday and I really felt like we made progress.  When he first said it, I was angry and started defending myself and proving he was wrong.  Yesterday, I asked to revisit his comment about not being classy enough.  I asked what he meant by that.  He kept giving his definition of classy.  I restated the question this way, "What am I doing specifically that you think is not classy?"  He told me that he doesn't like when I talk openly about sex, specifically alternative lifestyles, bondage, anal sex, or any other taboo subject.  Eventually he admitted that he wants other guys to perceive that he has control over his wife (especially his wife's genitals).  So, his needs are acceptance by his friends and control over what he perceives as his. 

The hardest one to accept for me is the control aspect.  As I stated above, I do not believe control has any place in a loving relationship.  I believe in a partnership.  I believe we have equal say so and must work together to find solutions to problems.  I believe he should respect my autonomy and get new friends if his friends think he should control me.  I do not agree to being his property and will not allow him to have control over me.  I will only be considerate of his emotions and needs and be willing to compromise.  I told him I will tone down the sexual talk in front of his friends.  That was my compromise.  I have already agreed to let him have control over how I use my genitals, but that is mainly because it causes such a strong reaction in him for me to have my sexual freedom.  I have gotten him to agree to a much more open sexual relationship than he would have chosen by default.

It is very difficult to get underneath the comments he makes, but I really need to go through them one by one and figure it out.  He is often unwilling to have a deep discussion like that with me because it's time consuming and he thinks he should be working on other things.  In addition, I think he's afraid of what he will find out about himself if he allows it to come out.  I think the reason he kept responding with his definition of classy was that he didn't want to admit what was really underneath.  He didn't want to admit to me that he thinks a man should have control over his woman.  He probably knew that would strike a chord in me and was afraid of my reaction.  He also probably knows that most people, especially women in the 21st century would have his head for saying something like that.  He has made jokes about women needing to stay in the kitchen, but never actually admitted admitted his true feelings.  I thought he really was kidding, but after awhile, I could see the signs that he really believes a woman should be the subordinate of her man.  Thankfully, it is a belief that is easily debunked.  Although, I think it's one I will have to continue to work on changing in him.

I'm not really sure how to go about helping him meet his need for control.  He seems to want to have control over the things around him such as me and the children.  He wants respect without giving it.  He feels emasculated because he doesn't have control and he thinks he should.  He thinks the way he was when we were first together, which was I felt, respectful and caring, is weak and submissive. 

I was looking down my list of issues he has with me and these are what I think his underlying needs are:

 He says I don't respect him because I do what I want instead of what he says.
Need: control
The kids don't listen to him (mainly refering to his step kids, Karenna and Jolie).
Need: control

He feels emasculated because of my strong personality.
Need: control

He has changed in that he is no longer submissive to me and now stands up for himself.
Need: control

I am always spending all the money and that's why we never have any.
Need: security that he will be able to maintain the lifestyle he has

I don't have enough class.
Need: control and acceptance from friends

His friends think I'm a "slut" or "whore".
Need: control and acceptance from friends

He wants to be able to see Julie again or at least be friends with her.
Need: companionship, sex, affection, ease in a relationship

I made him lose Julie and certain friends.
Need: companionship, acceptance

He thinks it's "inappropriate" for me to hang out with male friends without him, but has no interest in being friends with several people that I refuse to cut out of my life.
Need: control

He doesn't like that I'm open about sex, open about non-monagamy, open about his sexuality, open about our problems...
Need: control

He thinks I'm too flirtatious, inappropriate, or affectionate with other guys.
Need: control

 As you can see, the main need he is not getting met in our relationship is his need for control.  I researched on the internet and read that needs that lead to a sense of control are: a sense of certainty, completion of outstanding things, understanding how things work, being able to predict what will happen, and that people and things are consistent.  I can see that he lacks understanding of how I work because I am not consistent.  He never knows what I will do.  My behavior is unpredictable and that scares him.  He doesn't really believe that I won't cheat on him.  I don't believe he has control over me or my genitals so it's not a far leap to make if I really wanted to have sex with someone else.   

I sometimes get in a mood where I want to get a strong reaction out of a person.  I get easily bored with superficial topics and want to get at the root of what they really believe.  Do they have an open mind?  Do they accept alternative lifestyles?  If I like the response, then I know I've found a friend.  If I don't, I don't want to waste my time.  Also, I enjoy challenging people to think outside the box which involves putting them outside their comfort zones.  Scott is so afraid he will lose acceptance from others that this really bothers him.  I have started to tone it down around his friends, but I always get sloppy when I drink too much.  I've decided it's in the best interest of our relationship not to go out to bars or clubs with him and his friends anymore.