We had another huge fight tonight. I am completely and utterly exhausted, but I don't want to go to bed. Laying in bed means facing my thoughts. I will lay there alone and feel sad. Hopefully I'm tired enough to fall asleep before it hits me. I don't want to feel anything. Right now, I feel numb. I think I'm still in shock.
I was at the gymnastics meet all day today, from noon until 9 pm. I only packed myself a PB&J, which was stupid. They were selling food there and there was a Starbucks, but I was trying really hard not to spend any money. I talked Scott into working the first shift, timing beam routines. Karenna competed that session and I wanted to watch her. I kept an eye on Adi and Jaden and tried to keep them from running around. I thought maybe they'd be interested in the gymnastics, but they really weren't. Jaden kept running all over the place.
Karenna only competed beam and bars. She bailed out of her roundoff back handspring, back tuck a few times in the past few weeks and almost landed on her head. Her coach isn't confident that she can compete floor right now until she is consistent again. Also, she sprained her toe on the growth plate while vaulting last week, so she didn't compete vault. Her scores weren't that great on beam and bars so she didn't get any awards.
Scott was taking the kids home after that session. He was mad he had to stay there for the awards ceremony to wait for Karenna, but Karenna had to stay and support her teammates. When he was leaving with the kids after the awards ceremony, he started making snide comments about Karenna being in gymnastics. He said we wasted the whole weekend just so Karenna could compete for a few minutes and not even place. In two weeks, her meet is in Warren, MI (near Detroit) and he said that her dad needs to take her. I told him I'd ask, but he often has to work on the weekends. Then he said if I have to take her, he wants me to take Adi and Jaden with me so he doesn't have to watch them. I don't plan on making them sit in the car for that long trip and then watching them at the meet, where they will be bored. Then, Karenna asked for $10 of her money back so she could buy something at the meet. I had to borrow all her money recently for a gymnastics team registration fee. I told her I really can't give it to her right now. Scott then jumped in and told her she has to make sacrifices if she is going to be on the gymnastics team. I feel bad enough that we borrowed her money and didn't like it that he made her feel bad for asking me for $10 back. Once he left, I texted him that he needs to try telling Karenna he's proud of her for a change and to be nice to her please. He didn't respond.
I had to work the next shift entering scores into the computer. I didn't get finished until 9 pm. By the time I was finished, I was so hungry and tired. Once I got home, Scott informed me that he was getting picked up by Alex to go out. I was disappointed that he was going out on a Sunday night. I didn't expect him to be going out on a Sunday night. All of the kids were still up and I was exhausted. I asked him to put one of the kids to bed before he left since it was already 9:30 pm and Adi and Jaden should have already been in bed. He told me he didn't have time because Alex would be there soon. That started the big fight.
I told him that I think it's fair that if one of us is going out, that person should have to put at least one of the little kids to bed first. He argued that he was with the kids "all weekend" while I was gone, and that I went out a couple nights in a row while he stayed with the kids (friend's going away party and less than 2 hours the night before). I told him I was only doing what I had to do for Karenna's home meet. It's not like I left him with the kids to go do something I wanted to do. He also complained that I had told him I'd be done around 7 pm and didn't get home until 9 pm. Frankly, I had no idea how long it would take. We were the last event finished and we started late. I couldn't help what time I got out of there. He said all I do is belittle him. I have only been talking about what I think is fair, while he takes that as belittling him. At some point, I did belittle him when I got really angry. I said he needs to start thinking about other people beside himself and work on his empathy skills.
There were other things thrown into that argument too. He said something about making it so I can't access the bank accounts. I said something about being able to at least get half of the Teethgap business if we went to court. He argued that he created it and I wouldn't be able to get it. I don't know. It was a big mess of an argument. I was angry and he was being childish. Eventually, I was more than angry. I was out of control. I threw a marker at him and hit him in the back. Once again, I told him I want a divorce and took off my wedding ring. He told me he doesn't care anymore. I'm starting not to care anymore either. Adi started crying and saying, "I'm scared. I don't want you to get divorced." That's when I felt like a shitty parent for arguing in front of my kids.
Maybe the sadness will hit me tomorrow. I'm too tired to feel anything but exhaustion. Maybe this time we really are done. It will be interesting to see what Retrovaille does, if anything, for our relationship. Things are really, really bad. I don't have a way to support myself right now. I plan to look for a job, but I was going to put my money into savings to go back to college. If I move out, I'll have to support myself. If I have a job and Scott doesn't, I might end up paying him child support. Maybe the best thing is just to stay. I've just got to give up my expectations that we'll ever be in love again and learn to accept that.
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