Tonight's dialogue was a disaster. The question was what feelings are obstacles to our commitment to the Retrouvaille post program. After that, we were supposed to write positive alternatives. I wrote on my way home from Columbus and had so much to say. I have many negative feelings at the moment that make me just want to give up.
I am worried, antagonized, disappointed, and offended regarding his relationship with my daughter, Jolie. Today he texted me while I was in Columbus working that he either wants her in school or away from him during the day.
I feel rejection because he didn't attempt to dialogue with me Tuesday or wake me up to go with him to Fox and Hound.
I felt embarrassed and criticized after I told him I paid for a random stranger's gas. I felt a little used by the guy, but mostly I felt good about it. I was upset that Scott didn't praise my generosity.
I felt offended that Scott wanted me to make an attempt to be friends with Ricky. It's like having your best friend stay friends with a person who completely betrayed you.
Lastly, I feel uncertain regarding his expectations of me with regards to John. He said he didn't want us messing around without him. Yet he was trying to put me in a position where we were alone last night.
My alternatives were with regards to Jolie: to model for him good parenting techniques, work with Jolie on expressing her feelings in a positive way, and clearer rules and expectations for Jolie. When I feel rejected, I will make more of an attempt to reconnect. When I feel embarrassed or offended, I can write my feelings to him. When I feel uncertain, I can stop and get clarification or at least attempt to read his body language.
My entire response was two pages, front and back. He was annoyed at the length of time it took to go through my response. He kept trying to get defensive and argue instead of reflecting back what he hears me saying.
His response was that he feels preoccupied and would rather being doing something else than taking 20 minutes to dialogue with me every day. He also said he feels distrustful that the program will help or that I will stick to the changes I was willing to make. His positive alternative was to make more money so we have less stress. He also said he could commit to sticking with me no matter what.
I was so annoyed with his answer. I don't understand how he thinks money will fix everything. He is so wrong if he thinks having money will fix him being too preoccupied to take 20 minutes every day to connect with me. I think he is just doing the bare minimum by spending 20 minutes. When I asked for more on the positive alternatives, he said that I could limit what I write to 10 minutes. I pointed out that the focus is supposed to be on what he could do differently. He said he will set a timer so the dialogue doesn't take more than 20 minutes. I felt extremely unimportant to him at that moment.
I also don't like the sticking with me no matter what. I won't stick with a man who doesn't want to make time for reconnecting. I won't stay in a loveless, hopeless marriage. I won't stick with him no matter what. We either need to commit to enriching each other's lives or give up. I won't give up and stay with him. I won't be satisfied with a man who stopped caring or trying.
Tonight he is out with his friends again. We barely talked today except for the excruciating 20 or so minutes we spent dialoging. I'm going to bed now. My dad is coming into town tomorrow night. He just got out of the hospital for what they thought might have been a mild stroke. They never did determine it was and he sounds fine. I was hoping he would come here to a relaxing, peaceful home. It doesn't look like that is happening.
No comments:
Post a Comment