It seems lately that I am more bitter than anything lately. I have this lingering sadness. The problem in my relationship is that Scott does not handle others have negative feelings in a good way. When I share with him, he usually makes me feel worse or turns sadness into anger and frustration. He is a person that does "fun" well. He will love me as long as I'm positive and light hearted. When I'm down and most in need of love, he avoids me. Lately, I have been in a downward spiral that I can't seem to get out of. I have considered counseling for myself, but we can't afford it. What do people who can't afford counseling do? I guess get a prescription for medication. I won't do that unless I'm contemplating suicide for a few days. Still, being depressed is making it so hard to function.
I can pinpoint events that have put me in this place. However, it's not the events that cause the sadness. Maybe they were triggers, but I could have chosen a different attitude. Unfortunately, my body is stuck in some kind of chemical rut. I think exercise helps, but it seems to only really help while I am exercising. As soon as I walk into my house, I feel as if I am putting on a coat of stress.
Just seeing Scott triggers a stress reaction in me and I feel sad when I think of how our relationship use to be. Going to Retrouvaille improved things for awhile, but my resentment built over all the times he didn't want to participate. He seems to have no interest in doing anything in our relationship that requires work. I was chomping at the bit for an opportunity to share with him, but he was dreading it. That hurt me. He says it's because he already knows all those things about me.
Things got worse when Scott tried to set up a "playdate" with someone and the girlfriend broke up with him. I became even more angry with him because I worked really hard to overcome all the emotional negativity regarding this girl so he could be with her. I suspected that he really isn't in love with her the way he once was. Either he doesn't have very intense feelings for her anymore, or he is more careful to hide them in front of me. Although, when she stopped seeing him, it definitely affected him. Mostly, he just withdrew from me.
As of a few days ago, she has forgiven him and is back in the picture. The day we all talked and she forgave him was the last day I was feeling noticably happy. Karenna even commented on it when I was singing and dancing in the car. I guess she hasn't seen me like that in a long time. Unfortunately, it didn't last. The next day, I got in yet another fight with Scott about money. He blamed me for something that happened with a bank account I closed. It got kicked back open by a pending charge and we started getting all kinds of fees because iTunes purchases were still going to that account. I didn't know it was happening for 3 months. He took it as an opportunity to put me down about how I've put us in this horrible financial situation.
I've told myself many times that I am going to stop letting his ignorant comments bother me. I don't know why I can't let things slide off. I take them in and it stews until I want to explode. Sometimes I do explode. I scream at him, but that makes me feel worse. After that, I end up depressed for a few days until Scott finally tries to talk to me (probably because he knows I won't give him any sex unless he talks to me).
When I got to this place with Chris, I was ready to divorce him. It was much easier with Chris. He worked a lot and the kids were very attached to mommy. It wasn't that big of a deal for them to not see him as much. Karenna did cry a few times that she wanted to go home, but that was the worst of it. They met Scott and adored him. They were happy to be with Scott. Scott was so good with Karenna when we met. He thought she was the cutest little girl in the world. His attitudes toward Karenna and Jolie are much different now. He is mostly indifferent and doesn't take much interest in them. He blames them for shutting him out, but they are only kids. He also sees them as being on my side. Karenna tries to protect me from his words. She sticks up for me. The other day, she did it on Facebook. I quickly deleted the conversation.
It would still be very hard on all the kids if I divorced Scott. Not to mention, I have no way to support myself. I am not sure I could handle being alone. At least Scott was there to help me through the emotions surrounding my divorce from Chris. He held me when I cried about missing my children when they went to their dad's house. Divorcing Scott is not the better option. He knows I won't leave him and so what threat is there to get him to do anything different? Taking away sex is about the only option I have, but now he has the girlfriend again.
I am not sure how to be happy despite my relationship being so lack of fulfillment. I need to figure something out. I can't live this way forever. It's not good for my health or my kids. I already see Karenna falling into the role of codependency with me. She wants to be my emotional babysitter. I love her, but that's not her responsibility.
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