My life has not quite turned out as planned. I thought I had things all figured out at one point. Now, I have no idea. When I was in my 20s, I was married and on my way to becoming a nurse-midwife. I knew I would become a mother because I've always wanted to be a mother. That turned out as expected. They are wonderful and intelligent. I am doing pretty well at being a mom, even though I don't always know I'm doing all they need to for them to get them started into a healthy adulthood. However, the rest of my life is pretty confusing. Maybe I have no control at all and am just along for the ride.
I became a nurse and then a midwife. I opened a homebirth practice, became disenchanted, and closed that practice. I am no longer a midwife. I no longer even enjoy talking about childbirth. Sometimes I get caught up in those conversations because, well, I know a lot about it. But, I inevitably don't enjoy the conversation, especially those "but my baby/I would have died" conversations. I considered re-entering the field of nursing, and possibly doing advanced practice nursing. The thing is that I don't think I want to be a nurse at all. I don't enjoy being the focus of conservative observation and I have the unfortunate criminal background of a child endangerer.
I've been a child endangerer my whole life. I gave birth to my children at home. When they were babies, I sometimes took them out of the carseat to breastfeed them in the car. I followed many of the principles of "The Continuum Concept." When one person freaked out because my toddlers grabbed a knife, I showed them how to touch it carefully. When most people gated off the stairs, I showed my kids how to go up and down on their butts. When Jaden was 2 and wanted to cook, I gave him a kitchen stool and a spatula. I don't always enforce helmets when they bike ride and I don't make them wear knee pads when they roller skate. By legal standards, I deserve what I got. Unfortunately, I got caught in the legal system and it fucked up any career chance I had in the medical field.
Since I closed my practice as a midwife, I've been trying to hide in my bubble. I surround myself with like minded people, and travel within that circle. Lately, I've been bringing that circle in even closer since I've learned not to be so trusting. More than that, I've learned that most people just don't care. The last thing I want to do is become a burdensome friend. I don't want to talk about my life so much that my friends see me as a person who is self-consumed and doesn't care about others. I have learned to talk less. My problem is stopping once I start. To solve this problem, I don't start as often.
I have always lived a controversial lifestyle. Although I have many friends who can agree with my parenting style, I have less who can agree with my relationship style. I am polyamorous. I have always desired a polyamorous relationship. My ex and I tried swinging, but that did not satisfy me at all. I enjoy sex with multiple partners, but my ex never allowed me free choice (or really any choice of partners). I ended up choosing to cheat on him so that I could enjoy sex with others. However, I never could be happy in a relationship that involved so much dishonesty and distance. With Scott, I also don't have free choice in partners. However, I have had more choice. Scott genuinely likes most people, whereas Chris did not. Scott and I have finally found what is likely a long term partner. Things have gone on since February, but I've decided to be more selective this time about who to tell. Many people don't understand that lifestyle.
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